what an emotional time i'm having

I decided on sunday night (a bit out of the blue) not to come back to Bollnäs after christmas. For various reasons. I had already booked a flight home (with ryan-bastard-air) for friday the 19th, thinking it would be ok because i'm not taking too much stuff. OOPS! I didn't think I would be taking most of my stuff back again, on ryanair's 15kg limit. So I ended up carting boxes of my shit to the post office, on a little trolley, like an old man, and sending it. It was much cheaper that way. Also it means I don't have to carry it with me all the way home, major plus! Now my big suitcase is about half full so everything will wobble about but hey, as long as I don't have to pay massive overweight bills.
So all week since I made the decision, it feels all i've been doing is eating, sleeping, packing and waiting to go home. Not practicing enough. But only today has it become a difficult decision, as i've realised there are people here who I will miss alot, and lessons I will miss from Fröken (classical teacher) and Jonas Brandin (folk teacher). SPELMANSLAG (which i've annoyingly missed the past 2 weeks). :( It feels like I won't be able to find teachers as good as them elsewhere! But that's probably largely because I am here now. What makes it harder though is that Fröken said to me, after the string orchestra concert tonight that I could begin classical after christmas and that I would be welcome in her class. ARGH! But I know that there aren't enough reasons for me to stay here, and that it wouldn't be worth it (also I have no money anymore, Cath is paying for this and it's expensive, probably a reason why I have guilt dreams most nights). Tonight was the school christmas concert, which was really good, and afterwards a jazz kvintett played a cosy concert just for us, they were really really good. I will miss things like that, they are just so nice! I think thats what started me off...
I am worried that I won't play as much and therefore keep improving, but I also know you need to be more happy and inspired to feel like playing. I feel like i've had this experience and i've done it now, moved to another country, learnt another language which is a big thing really. Learnt things. I am a little worried as I don't know what's next but piss that, who ever does? I'll just have to see. I think it's quite exciting, like next I can do anything! Well it's exciting if i think about it like that, if you think i'm stupid, whoever you are, then shut the fuck up for always telling me to think positively because thats what that is OK! Normal anna would say i'm going back to shitty england to sit about at home trying to get some shitty job with nobody even in the shittiest place wanting to employ me. Somehow I find it possible to be in between positive/negative?
Anyway, party time now, i'm not the only one leaving, Lina is too. I could pretend it's my goodbye party too, though only a handful of people know i'm leaving. The rest probably couldn't give a shit. I'll leave you with some videos of ethno this summer. Watching these, it hit me why there were cameras hovering around the whole week. See if you can spot me and matty and joe! And the end of the second one is cool, england plays out! And check out Marit's speech. Amusing. Ugh, memories seem to crop up an awful lot.

CIAO

xxx